Monday, January 31, 2011

I've changed my mind.

Ok so here is the post I started writing last night at about 10pm...
I've Changed My Mind.

I don't want to go to school.
I never don't want to go to school, so I'm hoping this is just a passing fad on my behalf... a passing fad that has had me in tears for the past hour or so.
I can't do this! Again! What am I thinking? Being responsible for 25 kids, being accountable to 50 parents and 3 levels of bosses. Planning, educating, differentiating, caring...
Of course by the time I got that far I was crying and laughing all at the same time. The hugeness of my job hits me some times. The paper requirements are ridiculous. I do believe I could work 24/7 all year and still not be ready enough. Last night I was completely overwhelmed.  How much had my attitude changed in a matter of hours?! The things I was excited about became the things I was anxious about. I doubted my teaching ability. All I could see were the mistakes I'd made, the flaws in my character, my disorganisation, the things that made me the worst candidate to be a teacher. Fear of failing, of being 'found out', recognised for the fraud I am. Arrrgh! I'm sure the devil was loving the track my mind was taking, which is what made me laugh!

As I went to bed last night the devotion I read (ew ew ew ew ew I just stomped on a cockroach with my bare foot. it was a big one too. ewwww), which had nothing to do with feeling completely overwhelmed at the prospect of going back to school, quotes some really cool scripture:
 Acts 20:24 "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." 
Wow! Incredibly timely reminder. This job is not my own. It is the task God has given me. AND it's bigger than teaching (eeek teaching is big enough), I mean more important than teaching (and I reeeeeaaaally value education). My role at school is to testify to the gospel of God's grace.
Just down from that verse a bit there was another bit that hit me in the guts...
 Acts 20:28 "Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers."
 I've never really noticed the first bit "Keep watch over yourselves". I think when it comes to school it's so easy to watch over everyone else... but it's so easy to not watch my own mind & guard my own heart. It's so easy to replace time with God with planning for school. hmm... I see where it all started to fall apart! haha.

Anyway... in summary I'm super glad I experienced that freak out last night. It lead to some good perspective finding and was an amazing reminder that I can't do this teaching gig on my own, I seriously need God!

Philippians 1:6 "...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in tou will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ."

Well I'm on school time again these days, so I'm up way too late. Stay tuned for the adventures of week one in my class. Oh it's so much fun! I love my class already!

1 comment:

Mindy said... sounds like you and I had similar days. I had a freak out pretty much all day. So I spend time with God, went to bed early, and feel much calmer today. Whew!

Hope your first day back is a blessing!