So for the past few days I have felt a tad ripped apart at the seams. I have cried more in the past week than I have since January (when I was dumped for the first time), but I'm not sure why... the dumbest things have made me fall to pieces & I have become cranky, emotional Kaye who is not a whole lot of fun to be around. I don't particularly like this side of me. And I even more hate that people are seeing this side of me.
However, there are some amazing things God is teaching me through (& also despite) this...
- I am human. Who would have thought?! This is actually a hard one for me. In my family there is not a lot of room for error. Perfection seemed to be the expectation when we were growing up, and on the outside my sisters and I didn't stray too far from the ideal our parents set for us. But this mindset doesn't help when I do make mistakes... which does actually happen from time to time (ok, actually quite frequently). Being wrong is so hard. I am realising how much pride there is in my life. It's quite disgusting.
- I am so quick to judge. Arrrgh! In the past few days I have been noticing how quick I am to blame someone else for things. For the way I'm feeling. For things not working out. For... well everything. I so easily see the errors of others & hold it against them. I am realising how often I count the 'good things' I do for others and mentally create a picture of what I am 'owed'. How sinful is this behaviour! I'm embarrassed to write about it.
Earlier this week I wrote this in my journal "My house gets dirty so quickly. I just let one thing slip, then another. I don't remain vigilant with all that needs to be done and gradually the little becomes so much. Similarly in my life I let some 'small sin' slip in, I spend less time in the Word. I become complacent. Soon I am overwhelmed. Or so far gone. I don't remember purity anymore."
I feel that right now I am at a point where I need to really stop just travelling along like everything is ok. I need to be raw before God. Last night I prayed that God wouldn't just help me to stop crying, but to dig into that deeper part of me and tear it out. It hurts to see my sin laid bare. So much of me wants to hide from God, from those around me. But this needs to happen. now.
- I'm learning about grace. again. Undeserved forgiveness. Fresh starts. Unconditional love. From amazing friends (thank you, thank you, thank you) who don't give up on me and from a God who... well where do you start!
- I'm learning that the devil uses my own insecurities (if only that list was a tad shorter) to trap my mind. Actually I learnt this from watching Harry Potter yesterday. Can God teach you things through Harry Potter? um... well He did. There is this one scene where Ron and Harry need to destroy a horcrux. Ron is poised with the sword ready to attack. However, when Harry opens the locket, the spooky spirity things (um) come flying out and start telling Ron all sorts of untruths about Harry and Hermoine, which (as the audience you can recognise) are things Ron has been contemplating for weeks, and despite Harry's best efforts to tell Ron that the horcrux is lying, he still stands there and lets these lies wash over him for a while. The horcrux didn't say "you have ugly hair" or anything like that, though that may have offended him, instead it cut him deep, where it hurt. The lies it told reflected that which he was most insecure about, things he feared. I think in someways this is how we make it easy for the devil to get a foot-hold, by not being secure in the God we trust. So often I spend too long dwelling on thoughts of inadequacy, of failure, of what might/might not be, instead of knowing that God knows the plans He has for me & being confident in that.
- One other thing, which doesn't seem to fit with everything else that is going on in my life right now (but in someways fits better than anything else) is this verse that I have been mulling over since last night. It has really challenged me. "You have condemned and murdered innocent men, who were not opposing you." - James 5:6. This passage is talking about "the rich" and how by living their (our) lives of luxury have been
passively murdering others. I've never really thought about it like that before. How do I fix this? How do I give an account to God for the lives that have been lost through malnourishment, curable disease etc on my watch?
I'm not really sure how to end this post.... so...
(oh my classroom looks so boring these days, since we've taken everything off the walls)
We're going to have a ribbon cutting ceremony on Monday. The kids haven't had a playground since July, so it's going to be sooo fun to see their faces when they get to play on Monday!
